We Watched, So You Don’t Have To

by Poligags

Yes, we sat through the entire Republican debate. So that you don’t have to, we offer what we believe are the highlights of the two-hour ordeal. While not necessarily direct quotes, we have very nearly captured the actual utterances that came out of the mouths of the participants in the January 14th Republican Debate.

The evening began with the worst version of the national anthem to come out of an ill-fitting blue dress ever. And Kasich did not wear the mandatory flag pin. Our commentary is in italics.

Bartiromo:   Our Facebook research showed… isn’t “Facebook research” an oxymoron?

Cruz:           [already-freed] Navy captives of Iran, on their knees.
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Carson: Simultaneous power grid and cyber attacks will create chaos. Will the computers be able to run these programs without electricity?
Trump: “Trump way up” – I like this poll. If [Cruz] beats the rest of the field…the audience boos because they want ME!
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Rubio: I hate to interrupt this episode of Court TV…
Court TV rebranded in 2008


Carson: I was mentioned, too. He said ‘everybody’!
Bartiromo: [Hillary Clinton] is an enabler of sexual indiscretion.
Carson: The “comments” section didn’t come from our Judeo-Christian roots.
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Bush: If you commit a crime with a gun [in FL], you’re going away for a long, long while.

Rubio: [addressing the Second Amendment right of US citizens to own guns] ISIS doesn’t buy their guns from a gun show.
Cruz: Everybody knows what New York values are. You’re from New York? Then you might not.
Bush: [speaking on Iran] We have to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Embassies are located in capital cities; Israel named Tel Aviv their capital.
Christie: Syrians should stay in Syria.
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Bush: These statements are unhinged.
Trump: People come into this country. They live, they shoot.
Rubio: If you listened to the President the other night…



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Trump: The New York Times, they’re always wrong. I know so much about China, Carl Icahn endorsed me. I love China.

Cruz: Solve the China problem through my flat tax and by abolishing the IRS.
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Bartiromo: Actually asked Christie a question about bridges…

Carson: …the price of laundry detergent goes up 50¢ because of regulation…

Rubio: VAT taxes…which many companies in Europe have…


Christie: I’d like to interrupt this debate of the Senate… We give benefit of the doubt to criminals… Yeah. That’s called “presumption of innocence”.See Coffin v. U.S. 156 U.S. 432 (1895)
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Rubio scrutinized Cruz’s senate voting record, when he [Rubio] doesn’t even bother to show up to vote. The moderators presented a Facebook Fears Word Cloud!! And, in closing statements, Rubio said “in 2008, we elected someone who wasn’t interested in fixing this country…” Finally: an admission that GW Bush broke it?

The End. Thankfully.
© 2016 Poligags